Courage, Hope, Love

October 13 2016
I went blind in one eye for about 3 minutes. I covered each of my eyes in turn, just to make sure. Yup. Blind. Weird. It was over just as quickly as it had begun. I wondered, “Is this just getting old?” Got it checked out. The docs said “no sign of stroke; maybe its a migraine; it might be a good idea to take low-dose aspirin”.
That was 2011. It’s 2016 now and I’ve had ever more distressing symptoms since then. Exercise onset chest heaviness; the feeling of shortness of breath; cold feet (literally! hahaha); faintness; tingling lips; fluttering heart.
Many tests later and the specialists have no explanation. They dismissed the things that first come to mind. Coronary artery disease; respiratory problems; gastro problems; thyroid. Perhaps its stress, anxiety or even the less helpful genetics.

Did I mention I was female?
I cannot help but think that I may be headed for a life-changing or life ending heart attack or stroke. After all, many women are misdiagnosed even while they are in the width of a major cardiac event.
I feel like I am on my own.
Many of my friends and family, though somewhat supportive, quietly question my fears. They all know my life has had more than the usual stresses and strains. They feel that with time and rest my symptoms will subside.
But they haven’t.

I’m into the 4th month of my retirement, and if anything I feel worse.
When I first described my symptoms and state of mind to my pastor, I think he, like the others was sceptical. I mean if the doctors don’t detect anything…
Even so, he gave me the good advice to meditate on psalm 139

“My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me we written in your book.”

The takeaway for me was that no matter what I think, or what they think, or what anyone thinks about my situation, the best response is to not live in fear, but rather with hope, courage, and love.
This I have tried to do; but I am tired. I don’t feel very well most of the time and I am trying not to be morbid or discouraged. I am actually surprised each morning when I find I am awake and alive. I know this sounds a little bit crazy. Even so, that’s where I’m at right now.
I hope my family knows how much I love them. I hope that each day I can reflect God’s love to those around me. I hope I can do things today that will enrich those around me.
Hope. Courage. Love. That’s all I’ve got.

One thought on “Courage, Hope, Love

  1. Thanks for including a link to my Heart Sisters blog here. I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote: “…the best response is to not live in fear, but rather with hope, courage, and love.” That is so true. When I was discharged from hospital after my heart attack, I was terrified of having another one (statistically, one of the biggest risk factors for having a heart attack is having already had one). Every twinge would send me into a panic. Every night before bedtime I’d tidy the house so it would be nice when the paramedics came to retrieve my corpse the next morning. This is an exhausting and futile way to waste one’s very precious hours on this earth. I have many blog readers who become convinced that they are either having a heart attack right now, or are at very grave risk of having it any minute now. They become obsessed with what might happen, and miss the wonder that is actually happening in life right in front of their noses. They are choosing to “live in fear, instead of hope, courage and love” as you suggest. Best of luck to you…

    Liked by 1 person

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